R: User Guide and Manual
by notmarge
Summary: Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first R unit. In order to ensure a happy Corpse-free future with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.


I do not own Warm Bodies. It's just awesome.

R User Guide and Manual

Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first R unit. In order to ensure a happy Corpse-free future with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.

Technical Specifications:

Name: Real name unknown, may have started with an "R"

Age: 23 at time of death; remained as Corpse for an unspecified amount of time

Place of Manufacture: Post-Apocalyptic America

Height: 6'2

Weight: 189 pounds

Available Accessories:

(1) red hoodie – partially frayed, stained with unknown matter; check pockets before discarding

(1) grey tshirt – pocked with holes, also stained with blood and other unknown matter

(1) pair well-worn jeans and scuffed sneaker set

(1) surprisingly well maintained record player and large vinyl record collection

Programming:

Your R unit is programmed with the following available traits:

Pensive (default) – Although it may not be immediately apparent, your R unit is a deep thinker. He has a sensitive, intelligent, humorous mind and a surprisingly varied vernacular. As his Corpse vocal cords prevent him expressing much of this verbally, you will have to rely heavily on interpreting his highly expressive, unblinking faded blue eyes. Try not to get lost in them. This may require practice.

Poignant (default) – As a result of living as a socially detached Corpse, your R unit yearns to be more than a slow, pale, hunched-over, dead-eyed zombie. Therefore, he may be prone to dejection and self-loathing. Consistent, positive non-braining eating human contact will help diminish this trait somewhat. Be wary of abandoning him without warning as this may cause a painful relapse.

Protective (default) – Your R unit will exhibit an immediate protective response after eating the brains of a human male, gaining his thoughts and memories, and immediately encountering that human male's girlfriend. He will desire nothing but to keep her safe and attempt to kidnap her away. Monitor this closely because if he picks an incompatible female, she may blow his head off anyway. Note: Our company takes no responsibility for R units destroyed in such a manner and will not provide a refund for said unit.

Zombie Hunger Rage (locked) – Your R unit experiences periodic episodes of what is referred to as the "New Hunger". It's a very powerful thing and must not be taken lightly. During this occurrence, your R unit will not respond to any non-cranial defensive force so it is best to leave this trait locked. However, if this mode is activated, either apply severe force to the cranial area or rapidly flee the area. (He will be internally regretful of his actions while in this state, but that's hardly comforting to you if he's eaten your brains. Consider yourself fairly warned.)

Removing Your R Unit From Packaging:

Step 1: Take care that there are no other readily edible humans within the vicinity. No reason to provide him with more targets. Unless of course, you have an associate who needs to be taught one final lesson.

Step 2: Lay out a fresh handful of your dead boyfriend's (or somebody's) brains to satiate his hunger from a potentially extended delivery transportation. Sometimes transportation can take a while.

Step 3: Outfit yourself in a tight tank top and jeans, perhaps accompanied with a lumberjack type button up shirt and unlaced hiking boots. Donning a blond wig and blue eye contacts will complete the ensemble. Scream, yell, and in general make a lot ruckus as though you are in a life and death situation. This will activate your R unit. He will stagger out of the box, looking for someone to keep safe.

Step 4: Turn on music. Preferably, John Waite's "Missing You" or Guns-N-Roses "Patience". Other acceptable alternatives are Bob Dylan's "Shelter from the Storm" and Bruce Springsteen's "Hungry Heart". While these meaningful melodies will not necessarily deactivate a rage state, they will activate and strengthen his Poignant and Pensive Traits (see above) and buy you a little time for Zombie Hunger Rage Deactivation.

Step 5: If at all possible, present him with a JULIE unit upon arrival. This will temporarily short-circuit all mental and motor functions, leaving him as helpless as a love-struck almost-blue-eyed zombie puppy. While he is temporarily out-of-order, check that Zombie Hunger Rage mode is permanently locked.

Reprogramming Your R Unit:

Your R unit will require very little programming upon arrival other than Zombie Hunger Rage Deactivation. Pensive and Poignant modes are set in default in ensure that he will be so endearing that you will forgive him almost instantly for being a boyfriend brain-eating Corpse with a panache for kleptomania and hoarding.

However, if you do want to strengthen the default traits of your R unit, here are some useful tips:

Place a spirited, young, diminutive, blond woman with a knack for getting herself into dangerous situations directly in his presence. Allow him visual contact, then provide him with a healthy serving of her boyfriend's brains so he experiences strong feelings of love toward her. (Discard dead boyfriend out of the way so she does not immediately realize he was the demise of said boyfriend.) Make sure she is a risk taker so that your R unit will keep trying to keep her safe even as she threatens him and repeatedly runs away.

Provide your R unit with a Corpse best friend he can have almost conversations with. This will keep up his flagging spirits even when everything seems to be decaying around him. This Corpse friend should exhibit slightly better speech vocalizations and facial response systems (aka blinking while still a Corpse) than your R unit and a smart-aleck attitude to prevent them both from giving up and becoming Boneys.

You may also want to provide your R unit with few Corpse essentials such as a jetliner filled with various human memorabilia and an expensive, red, slightly dented, dusty, sports car. He may not connect fully with these items but it will give him something to focus on while he strives toward reborn humanity.

Compatibility with Other Units:

JULIE Unit: As mentioned above, your R unit feels an intense desire to keep the JULIE unit safe. This is a locked mode that can never be disengaged. Monitor your JULIE unit carefully as if she vanishes without notifying your R unit, he will be devastated and bring all his Corpse friends with him to seek her out. This may cause widespread panic wherever they show up in force. Nurtured carefully, the relationship between these two units will result in the activation of a brand new mode for your R unit: FULLY HUMAN REBORN R. Once attained, this mode is absolutely permanent and can never be unlocked.

M Unit: Also known as the MARCUS unit, this unit presents as a 30ish casual business man now turned Corpse with a dry wit and clear best friend type quality. He will kept your R unit hopeful until united with the JULIE unit. Just be cautious because the M unit will initially want to eat her brains. He also exhibits natural friendliness toward human units such as WOMAN WITH UMBRELLA and SOLIDERS WTH FIREARMS. As this unit is prone to dreams of Cream of Wheat, keep some readily available in the event he becomes human enough to eat it.

NORA Unit: A best friend companion to the JULIE unit, this unit is useful for many things. Inappropriate musical selections, playful zombie boyfriend remarks, Corpse interview/interrogation situations, creative troubleshooting capabilities, emergency authority hold ups, and excellent poise in formal Corpse introductions (aka balcony meet-n-greets). This unit keeps her cool (barely) under the most stressful of situations which can come in handy in the post-apocalyptic world. Your R unit will require a JULIE unit to reassure him as initial contact with a NORA unit may be baffling and unnerving to him.

ATTACKING ZOMBIE Unit: Your R unit is naturally a sensitive, wise-cracking peace seeker when not engaged in Zombie Hunger Rage mode. However, if the JULIE unit is attacked, he will destroy anything attempting to harm without thinking twice. This includes a MARCUS unit.

HUMAN Unit: Your R unit desperately wants to be human. When around real humans, he will attempt to appear as human as possible. He may also foolishly believe he has "nailed it" from time to time. Keep a JULIE unit close to him as this will provide the encouragement he needs to keep trying to be better and a good person.

COLONEL GRIGIO Unit: Your R unit will come into contact with this unit if he is contact with a JULIE unit for more than a few days. He will attempt to interact verbally but momentarily experience an unfortunate glitch known as "The Bumbling Corpse". This is a very natural response to this particular unit as the COLONEL GRIGIO unit is an imposing force with a soft, thoughtful, unassuming tone in his voice even during periods of high pressure and stress. It is this Cyrus-the-Virus-type quality that is completely unnerving to a normal functioning HUMAN unit, much less a socially inept Corpse. Keep JULIE and NORA units close by to deter any potentially volatile situations.

BONEY Unit: This gruesome unit is a former human-turned-Corpse-turned-hopeless unit now comprised of a thin skin of muscle stretched over a mobile skeleton. It does not appreciate feelings of humanness or hope emanating from any other unit. Your sophisticated R unit will naturally avoid contact with these particular units due to their violent nature and the fact they don't even have the decency to feel conflicted about eating anything with a heartbeat. When a JULIE unit is in harm's way, though, he will just straight up kill them because it is the general consensus they are too far gone to change anyway. If you do choose to purchase one of these units, take extra precautions. Arm yourself with a gun, public phone box, fire extinguisher, or working golf cart.

Cleaning and Maintenance:

As your R unit is a Corpse, he actually requires very little daily maintenance. Technicalities such as combed hair, well pressed clothes, and dental hygiene will be of very little consequence to him until he is presented with a JULIE unit.

When the time comes, and it will, to appear as human as possible, provide him with a free standing bathtub, partially see through shower curtain, and hot water. Yes, even in the apocalypse, these luxuries exist. He may just stand still and let the water wash over him but do not be concerned. He doesn't smell rotten to begin with. You might to need remind him to leave the shower after a while if he forgets where he is. Encourage him to brush his bluish Corpse teeth in the event that a kissable opportunity presenting itself at a later time.

Allowing the JULIE and NORA units to apply make-up to give him will provide him with that much needed barely-Corpse, almost-Human glow. This will make him nervous but allowing the JULIE unit to repeatedly run her fingers through his hair will calm him considerably.

Dress him in his freshly laundered Corpse clothes and go out for a night on the town!

Feeding:

As mentioned above, your R unit is a dead Corpse. In light of this fact, it is understood that he does not require human food as much as humans for food. This does not occur on a daily basis, but when it does, remove any JULIE units from the vicinity for their mental protection. M units are allowed contact during this time. However, placing their brain portions in separate craniums will prevent your R unit and MARCUS unit from fighting over them. Corpses do not share well, much like puppies and children.

Rest:

As your R unit is a dead Corpse, he does not sleep or dream. He may, from time to time, sit and stare vacantly into space. Just let him. Most likely he is thinking mostly human thoughts and not at all planning on how to suck your brains out of your nose.

If brought into consistent, supportive contact with a JULIE unit, he may sleep or even dream. This is a good sign that he is well on his journey toward his so desired goal of human rebirth.

Frequently Asked Questions and Trouble Shooting:

Q: My R unit has not yet attained human rebirth but I just can't bear to provide him with my smelly roommate's brains. Any suggestions?

A: Yes. Instead of a smelly roommate's brains, provide him with thick, spongy, peachy, oatmeal mixture. This will keep him occupied while you seek out a roommate with less stinky brains.

Q: My R unit keeps absconding with all my stuff and taking it to his jetliner in my guest room. How can make him stop?

A: You can't. Although he cannot express it, these items represent his last links to humanity and he needs to cling to them until you pony up the cash for a JULIE unit.

Q: I want my R unit to change into a reborn human now, but my JULIE unit is on back order from Amazon. What do I do?

A: If you are a female, don a blond wig and start kissing him. This may take several tries, but don't' give up and keep trying. If you are a male, seek counseling.

Q: My R unit keeps trying to take me up to the roof of my house and jump off with me. He thinks it will keep me safe. What do I do?

A: Buy a trampoline, wrap both of you in bubble wrap (he's a little clumsy), and have some fun!

End Note:

The ultimate goal of your R unit is to attain a new mode: REBORN HUMAN R unit. With the proper care and a lot of patience, this can be attained and you will be the proud owner of an upgraded R unit to enjoy. There is no supplemental manual for a REBORN HUMAN R unit as of yet so you will have to create your own. Good luck and enjoy your R unit!

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**This is inspired by a fanfic user manual for the "Syfy's Alice" Hatter in my story favorites. Hopefully, it has been helpful and fun! =)**


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